Digging up the past…


I recently went through a bunch of old boxes that I packed up of even older stuff when I moved from Seattle to San Francisco. Sometimes a person can really surprise themselves with what they find in old junk bins. Upon opening this box, I found a lot of very interesting things:

  • A rosary my mother got me from Rome
  • Cheap red handcuffs from some sex shop undoubtedly (which doesn’t really agree with the above bullet)
  • German language books/tapes from when I wanted to travel to Germany (and still do, and will)
  • A desk cone that says, “Yes I am a college graduate. Do you want fries with that?” — again from my mother
  • An old journal that was completely empty
  • A collaged notebook that clearly looks pre-owned by a 14 or 15 year old me (it has a really bad collage all over it)

One of the coolest things I found in this stash of vintage Jennergy stuff was the notebook. It actually metaphorically represented a lot about me. The outside was very loud, with bright colors and a crazy collage I taped to it–while the inside was filled with teenage-angst poems and other slightly depressing stuff…like Calculus homework problems. 😛

Anyways, at the risk of having some of my sh*t taken on FB, I’m going to post some of these poems on my blog for your pleasure (or dis-pleasure–I was a young teenager so don’t judge). Some of these make absolutely no gawd damn sense to me now. Enjoy!


Hectic Christmas

Merry Christmas
The stars are bright
No one’s out tonight (this is why)

My car is frosted
My windows are cracked
I’m freezing my — off, and, ooh!
My carburetor’s whacked

The snow is fluffy, the fire is red
My toes are frost-bitten, and so is my head
My fingers are solid, my hair is on end
My legs hurt so badly, I can’t even bend
My feet are defrosting, for three hours now
Such a hectic Christmas I’m having right now

Gotta get warm in my bed
Still feels like an igloo, though
Might as well throw myself in the fire
Smoke up the house
Turn my heat on full blast
Won’t even help
Such a hectic Christmas I’m having right now!

I can’t fall asleep, tremors are setting in
Please! Get me warm! I’m FREEZING RIGHT NOW!

(Sounds like a great Christmas I had, huh? Good lord.)

The Stars

At night I sometimes look up
The stars are so bright all the time
Never out of place, never stuck-up
Not feeling self-conscious
Their pride is enough

Can’t we all be like that?
Like the stars in our sky at night?
Can’t we all be a functioning group?
Can’t we all be as bright?
That’s why I look up at the stars at night

(Well, this one is a bit more hopeful and lighthearted. I knew how I felt at this time. Total misfit military brat with a strong opinion but a total softie inside, and always feeling out of place.)

Out of the Window

Dark, no light
Light, no dark
Light is better, full of new remedies for life
Dark is also good, a night full of rest–for those who can
In the corners, hidden contrabands
In the streets comes a brick to my backyard
Don’t break the windows

Soil is deep, plants are sleeping
Waiting for light of the new season

(Can’t really tell you how I went from talking about light and dark, to sleeping plants. Can’t tell ya. I was obviously very conflicted and scared, though.)

I Am

Once I was a diffident young girl
Alone by myself, ostracized from the world
But as the years progressed
I passed from that stage and kept more abreast
More aware of my feelings, and of true friends
I carry out my morals, until the bitter end
Now I am learning and finding the true colors
True colors of people, and the actions of others
I have a great family, so to speak
No longer non-existent and my efforts meek
Those words for bearing and formation
I’ll only say nice things if you’re nice
Otherwise you won’t know these kind words behind my eyes
Go ahead and reach for the skies, you b*tch with fat thighs

(I think on this one I had finally realized that people suck and I shouldn’t be a rug for them to walk on. Even now in life this makes me realize how much of a hard shell I’ve put up and why. The little girl inside was sick of getting stomped on so sometimes I’d pre-emptively stomp on others. As an adult I can see how much I’ve improved but still say things that are a little harsh to people that don’t know me or my sharp witty sense of humor. It gets misdirected and misunderstood and then I’m a bitch in their eyes. So I basically went from being a shy, picked on little girl, to a bitch to people sometimes. That is not the real me, though. I’m kind, giving, loyal, energetic, and fun. We’re all still learning. This little poem book discovery was very cathartic for me. Even if some of the crap I say doesn’t make any sense anymore.)

Thanks for reading!